For years, I have a phase that keeps coming back in cycles.

Whenever I feel safe and secure in my relationship, I’d start gaining the “happy” weight, and everything follows. From chill to lazy real quick.

For someone who used to put a lot of effort into presenting myself, I somehow adopted a sloppy fashion style around 2023. I used to tell myself there’s no need to dress up because I don’t go out often.

“Why bother? All I do is cook, clean, and wash dishes.”
“It’s too expensive! Where will I wear this? Use your money on something else.

I’d phrase it as if I’m actually doing myself a favour, financially speaking. Yet this is the same person who regularly shops online and gets new clothes at least twice a month.

It may sound shallow to some of you, but that’s how it started. My view of my body image is slowly entering that dark basement. Again. I no longer see myself as worthy of beautiful things like a cute set of nails or even a fresh haircut & colour.

It wasn’t just about missing a couple of manicure and pedicure appointments. It was late when I realised how willingly—and unknowingly—I let go of my fitness and gained a lot of weight. Waking up with shoulder & foot pain became a normal thing. Standing up and feeling my sore knees was a typical Tuesday, and gasping for air and feeling my heartbeat through my ears after climbing 2 sets of stairs was… well, my new normal.

I wore the baggiest clothes I could find and used to call it my “sporty street style.” But on a deeper level, I think I was subconsciously hiding and burying myself in those oversized clothes.

Instead of wearing my favourite scent, I replaced it with fabric softener on my laundry because that’s more practical, right?

But you know what’s funny? Growing up with a limited budget never stopped me from buying nice-smelling colognes, even when I was a student or when working my corporate job. So what’s stopping me then?

Am I really giving up? Is it embarrassment guised as acceptance? Maybe?

I’ve repeatedly convinced myself that this is how I’m supposed to be when I reach midlife because beauty fades. Wilt comes after a beautiful bloom.

Over the years, I’d gaslit myself with excuses that peeled away my source of joy in life. And every time I look at my weary reflection in a mirror, I feel a pang in my heart.

I silently grieved for my old self because I miss her.

I miss how she would walk tall and pose for photos with such confidence—how she could stand anywhere, wearing her biggest smile without worrying about hiding behind a person, a chair, a bag, or a pillow out of fear of looking bad in group pictures. I miss how she will never allow someone to make her feel small.

Suddenly, everything felt unsure. Like an unfamiliar territory where I kind of know the rules, but I’m not sure if this is how I want things to be.

Have an appointment with yourself.

Returning to that moment when I stared at my neglected fingers and toes, I immediately booked a nail salon appointment, just for a change.

One session led me to book another, and then another. My nails look healthier, and I feel put together. Every time I glance at my hands and feet, I can’t help but smile. I gained a little confidence from that small step.

Then I started being more consistent with my gym schedule. I added each session as an important appointment that I could not miss unless something truly urgent came up. It was effective and had the biggest impact on my mental & physical health. My clothes fit me better, and I’m in a better headspace. Showing up to my workouts also helped me better manage my PCOS.

As for my personal styling, I consciously improved the way I dress by putting effort into picking what to wear. Regardless of my activities for the day, I’m putting on something nice, applying my tinted sunscreen and spraying myself some perfume. All these add up. It’s a revolutionary act against my old dull self.

Find magic in the most regular things.

This is the part where I remind you to learn how to romanticise your life, but not to a point that you’ll be left broke. It’s about finding joy in the ordinary things. 

Stop waiting for special occasions to use the good stuff. Wear those pair of shoes, use that dress, spray the expensive perfume and use the damn chinaware. I, for one, enjoy drinking my juice in a wine goblet, so fancy!

Every day of life is mostly about routine. We’re taking care of everyone around us that we forget how to take care of ourselves, so I hope you do something nice for yourself today.